Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
