let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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