You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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