i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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