Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just puked most of my soul out..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
