Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
