Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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