I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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