i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
