I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
