I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
