We won't sleep together?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
