Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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