So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
