i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
