All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
