I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
