I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
