So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
