I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
