i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
