You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
