Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
