dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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