The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
