i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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