I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
