dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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