I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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