My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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