she was so not down for the gang bang
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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