I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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