Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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