What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
