drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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