we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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