Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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