forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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