Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
