I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
