You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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