for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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