R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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