drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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