He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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