I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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