youre lurking in front of me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He kissed a someone with a penis
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
