if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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