I just saw a hot homeless man
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
