I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
