The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
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I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.