ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
