Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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