I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
