I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
