PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
