you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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