I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
