i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was CRYING into my vagina
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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