I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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