I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
