Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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